


A Confession

by speedmatsu



Category: Shrek Series, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, M/M, Other, crack ship, sorry not sorry ;))
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7619908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speedmatsu/pseuds/speedmatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What," he spoke in a low tone, voice menacing as he towered above the other, "are you doing in my swamp?"</p>
<p>Todomatsu couldn't help but cower, but he didn't come all this way for nothing. He clenched his letter, extending his arm out, and cleared his throat, before spitting it out. "I - I came to give you this!"</p>
<p>Outstretched before him, before Shrek, was but a simple letter, sealed with a charmingly small heart sticker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Confession

He'd written a letter. A letter that he knew would change his life - for better or for worse. He admitted that he'd prefer it to be for the better, although if for worse, he would surely regret it. However, he needed to get this thought - this _feeling_ \- off of his chest, and onto this letter. He didn't think he would be able to live with himself, if he hadn't confessed, sooner or later. It was a sense of pride, he supposed, that compelled him to write this letter to the large and green metaphorical onion with several layers.

He'd gotten a job, recently, too. Not at Sutabaa, though - his reputation there was forever spoiled, such as the rotted food that Ichimatsu sometimes ate with cats in the trash cans. Fucking disgusting. Like his reputation at Sutabaa. No, he'd gotten a job at Burger King (of Hell), because not only did he get free food (if you counted lowkey stealing food straight-up after shifts), but also because they served the _best fucking onion rings he'd ever damn had._ He had recalled that the ogre he'd fallen for (literally, he met him because Shrek tripped him and his brothers) relished in comparing himself to onions, for whatever reason - ah, yes, the layers, right - and assumed that he had enjoyed eating the onions themselves. It was because of this that Todomatsu had figured that working at Burger King (of Hell) would be the best course of action, as not only could he ~~steal~~ offer some free onion rings, but also because he wanted a job in order to support himself and the family.

However, he found that confessing things face-to-face was rather difficult. He'd always found it to be that way, unfortunately, so what better way than to write a letter? He wrote in pink crayon, a symbol of his yearning needs of him, though young and budding and fit for a child, was still just as genuine as anyone else's feelings - _no,_ it was more than that. It was the most genuine feeling he'd ever felt, and he was sure of that. He couldn't be wrong - it was his emotions, after all. Was it not?

No. He did not dare question his thoughts for Shrek. Though it was sudden, such as the flicker of a flame, he could feel its heat and warmth radiating and slowly biting the shit out of the atmosphere like a mosquito that wanted global warming to be a thing to happen really badly, warming his heart and potentially flooding a a shitton of land and killing a bunch of polar bears. Truly, this was worth it, if he was willing to **k i l l** several innocent lives for this love of his.

He was soon giving up hope, though. None of his letters seemed to give across the message he wanted to send, the emotion, the _feelings_ that he wanted to convey. The wastebasket was already overflowing way too much, and Choromatsu was really fucking sick of throwing away the past few ten thousand bags of trashy letters, so now Todomatsu was forced to sit in an ocean of crumpled papers. That wasn't _his_ fault or anything, it was Choromatsu's. Damn him for not throwing away the trash bags. His excuse before bailing was, "I was keeping track, and you made me throw away around one million bags of paper. We don't have a recycling can, do you know how much waste that's going to create? Besides, I need to buy groceries. Bye."

Well, fuck him! He may be green, but there's only one true green being in this world, and that was Shrek. 

At the thought of him, he smiled just a tad bit, before looking down at what he had written. His eyes widened. The letter was absolutely perfect. It was even more perfect than that one guy in Total Drama Island who was really hot and was able to bend all the ladies to his will purely through looks and also being hot. This letter was _the_ letter, the one predestined for Shrek to accept his fate. Yes. Hell fucking yes. God damn he could just smooch this paper right now, but that would spoil it, rendering it unreadable. So he folded it up, with nothing but wishes for the best, and placed it into a pastel pink envelope, before sticking a heart sticker onto it so the letter wouldn't fall the fuck out like a whiny little toddler at the zoo who wanted to see the fucking unicorns. There are no monkeys, Tim. They're not real. Build a bridge and get over it, god damn. I bet it'll be a shitty bridge, made of toothpicks and marshmallows. That's just the type of person you are. That's not even a good bridge, but Tim, you don't know anything, so of course it's this fucking disappointing. Damn it, Tim. Todomatsu hated babysitting Tim so god damn much. This letter wouldn't be like Tim, no, it would be like.. well, Todomatsu. He had poured every fiber of his emotions onto it, after all.

He swam across the giant god damn ocean of crumpled papers and shitty letters, hissing in pain as he saw the particularly bad ones, before reaching Shrek's house. Wow. That was a lot of papers.

He surfaced for air, before hesitating - but no, he _had_ to do this. He couldn't let himself down. Not after last time.

So he knocked on the door, waiting for an answer. Suddenly, before he knew it, the door exploded. It just fucking exploded. Holy shit. God damn, he supposed Shrek couldn't trust anyone, but that would change, soon, hopefully. But that wasn't the important part - no, the important part was that Shrek was standing there, as smelly and oniony as Todomatsu expected.

"What," he spoke in a low tone, voice menacing as he towered above the other, "are you doing in my swamp?"

Todomatsu couldn't help but cower, but he didn't come all this way for nothing. He clenched his letter, extending his arm out, and cleared his throat, before spitting it out. "I - I came to give you this!"

Outstretched before him, before Shrek, was but a simple letter, sealed with a charmingly small heart sticker.

With his other hand, he handed over a paper bag from Burger King (of Hell).

Shrek blushed. Holy shit. Red and green are horrible colors together, but whatever. "Is this..," his voice was considerably much gentler as he took them in his hands, cradling them as if they were fragile babies, but not as if it the babies were Tim. "... For me..?"

Todomatsu giggled, winking. "Of course it is! I'm going to go now, so I hope you enjoy!" Then Todomatsu went back into the paper ocean of hell.

Shrek gingerly exploded the letter open. God damn he loved exploding things. He unfolded the paper, and saw that it was written in pink crayon. It was cute, he thought, before reading. The contents of the letter were in big letters, consisting of ;

"♡ FUCKING DIE LOL ♡"

"What the fuck," Shrek thought. He nearly cried, seeing as it wasn't what he thought it was, before opening the paper bag. At least he had onion rings. He picked it up, before eating it. It was damn good. He almost cried even more. What a good onion ring.

There was another letter in the bottom of the paper bag. Could it be -- ? Todomatsu's true feelings? Perhaps the letter was but a prank! Shrek's heart beat as he took the letter in his hands, opening it. Written in sharpie as black as the void that is Todomatsu's soul, were the words, "♡ btw that onion ring was poisoned lololol ♡"

"Oh my God, no, what the fu - " and then Shrek fell limp, tumbling forward onto the ground of his swamp. He fucking died. I can't believe Shrek is fucking dead.

Todomatsu emerged from the ocean of wet garbage, because it was actually growing salty from Todomatsu's feelings, now. No idea where the water came from, though, but whatever. He didn't care about that. What he cared about was the beast of an onion standing before him. Taking out a knife, he carved the Matsuno symbol into Shrek's back. "May this be a lesson to you all," he whispered, bitterly. "Nobody makes me love anyone but me. There is no room for any love except love for me."

He ripped out Shrek's heart, before ditching the corpse into the swamp lake thing. He then swam back to his house, presenting the heart to his brothers. "I bring you this," he spoke. "I have done my job, not only for you, but for me, as well."

They all nodded solemnly. A voice answered back, "Good job, Totty. Now we can finally summon the demon."

the end forever lol im never writing this ship again im dead

**Author's Note:**

> haha this was fun to write :' ) i hope you enjoyed ;0!!


End file.
